Updated: May 13
We know where you are, we know where you’ve been, we will get you.
It’s 10:00pm on a typical Tuesday night; you’re eating tacos and searching on the interwebs. You look up “how to get more clients” to get a few ideas to help you scale your business. You come across a few websites, take a few notes and then call it a night and head off to bed; having no idea the portal of doom that you have just opened.
The next morning you wake up and reach over to open up your phone and see; 15 new emails, 10 new friend requests on Facebook and 3 automated texts asking if you’re interested in getting more clients. You think to yourself, oh no, what have I done?
You see in order to view those websites the night before you were required to enter your name, phone number and email address. Thinking nothing of it, you kindly obliged. Now you’re being targeted,…. targeted for marketing. dun dun dun.
Your life will never be the same again.
It’s only 8am and you hear a new message notification on your phone, you check it and it’s 9 more emails, before you have a chance to open the emails you get 2 more text messages “do you want more clients” ? You quickly block the phone numbers and unsubscribe from the emails. You stand still for a few moments staring into your phone, waiting for another notification, but all is quiet.
Thinking the worst is over you get dressed and head off to work.
You get in your car and cast Spotify via Bluetooth onto your car stereo and begin jamming out on your way to work. No more than a minute into your favorite song and the music cuts out, you’re getting more message notifications! (Bing) the phrase “Hi, are you still looking for more clients” blasts through your car speakers as your phone initiates the read to text option that you enabled; because you’re a safe driver. (Bing) another one “Don’t miss out, we can help you, but you have to act now”. (Bing) email notification “email from Client Boosters, ready to scale your business?” you disconnect your phone, turn the ringer off and turn off your stereo.
You’ve decided to finish your morning car ride in silence.
As you pull into your office parking lot you feel a vibration coming from your lap. New notification alert. You ignore it and continue into the building. As you enter your office you’re greeted by your coworker and friend, they begin to tell you a story and (Buzz) New Notification, Alert goes off in your pocket, then again (Buzz) New Notification. They stare at you as your jaw clenches and you look like you are about to explode. Afraid to ask any questions they simply walk away and tell you that they’ll just talk to you later.
Now you’ve had enough. This is ridiculous. You sit down at your desk, take out your phone and begin, blocking, deleted, filtering and unsubscribing to all the new messages you are receiving. You even take a moment to reply to a few emails with some very choice words!
An hour has passed and no new notifications. Maybe the worst of it is over. You decide to login to Facebook and waste a little time looking at a few Memes. You open the app and the first post you see is an Ad saying “do you need more clients”? WTF? How does Facebook know that I was looking online for Clients? This is getting crazy.
As you scroll you realize that every 4th post is an advertisement for getting more clients or scaling your business. There was even one post from the actual website that you visited that had a video ad and in the video ad they called you out by your name! You freak out and close the app.
Now you’re paranoid and you feel as if you are being watched. You look up at your work monitor and you see a popup that says “5 businesses near you that can help boost your client list”. You think to yourself, how is this all possible? All I did was search a simple question and now I can’t get away from all the advertising. Everything connected, there’s nowhere to run.
You start to feel claustrophobic, you need air!
You stand up and run for the front door, before you can make it out of the building you get stopped by the office mail carrier. “Hey I have a package for you” they say. “It was overnighted and marked urgent”. You tear it open right there on the spot, it says “here’s your free guide for scaling your business and getting more clients” you scream and punch the mail carrier in the face. The office receptionist screams, your phone goes off again (Bing), (Bing), (Bing) you pull it out of your pocket and throw it across the room accidentally hitting a co-worker in the eyeball. People are yelling at you to calm down, the mail carriers out cold, your co-workers crying and holding his eyeball, it's pure anarchy!
You push over the mail cart and sprint for the door, only to be tackled by security. You try and explain that you’re being watched and that they’re out to get you. You wrestle with security and you’re able to break free and run out of the building, but you’re dizzy and your adrenaline is pumping like crazy. You run out into the street and get run over by a bike messenger. You lie on the asphalt coming in and out of consciousness and finally pass out.
You open your eyes and as everything comes into focus you realize that you’re in a Hospital room, handcuffed to a bed. You look over and see an assortment of get well soon cards, flowers and bouquets. You squint your eyes a little to focus on the card and it reads “Get Well Soon, You New Clients are Waiting and we can Help” You start screaming bloody murder! An orderly runs in and tries to calm you down, but you’re frantic and a nurse has to give you a sedative shot to calm you down.
That’s the last thing you remember.
Now, you’re in a padded room sipping pudding from a plastic bag muttering “they can’t get me here”, “they can’t get me here” “they can’t get me here” …….
Then you hear a commercial playing, on the staff TV, its muffled from the walls being so thick, but you can make out the words and it says:
“If you need more clients, we can help, just call…..” aaawwwwwgggghhhhhh!!!
Be careful out there, the Marketers are coming.......